


The Notebook

by AnotherIcarus



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, M/M, highschool
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-26
Updated: 2011-05-26
Packaged: 2017-10-19 19:33:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/204459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnotherIcarus/pseuds/AnotherIcarus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus carries the damn thing everywhere. Sirius can't help his curious nature, after all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Notebook

Remus had been acting strange for the past month or so, Sirius had realized. It had started with the notebook he kept notes of all their classes in. He’d gotten protective of it, not allowing any of the three of them to look at it, and if he was the first one in the cafeteria, Sirius had caught him writing in it, more than once. It added to the ink stains on his fingers, and the notebook itself looked to be falling apart, as if Remus was constantly flipping through it.

And he always looked so sad, if he /was/ reading through it. If Sirius asked him what was wrong, he was quickly met with a denial that nothing was wrong, and how silly was Sirius to think that there was something wrong. Sirius frowned on these occasions, but forced himself to go back to discussing football with James, or helping Peter calm down before a Maths test. Remus never took part in these conversations, and would oftentimes go into writing in the little blue notebook, with its cover that barely hung on and the blue ink-stained pages that had a few brown smears from chocolate, as well.

Sirius then noticed that if there was one thing that really got Remus smiling, it was if he gave the boy a chocolate bar. He and James had experimented with this - the smiles offered to James in turn for a candy bar were much less bright and heart-warming than the ones rewarded to Sirius. And Sirius was often-times offered a piece in turn - James was left in the cold, chocolate-less world.

Not to forget the fact that Lily Evans - /the/ Lily Evans, who James was mad about and who hardly looked in their direction - had asked their Remus out, and Remus hadn’t even hesitated in turning her down. Sirius, then, made it a point to tell James that no man with a clear head would be able to turn down such a pretty girl straight off, no matter how insane their best friend is over that same girl.

No, no, there was something certainly off about Remus Lupin, and he wasn’t willing to share with his friends.

The first opportunity arose when Remus realized he’d left his science book - his weakest subject, and the one of which he needed to study for a test for - in his locker. He bustled off in such a hurry that he didn’t even realize that he’d abandoned the notebook. Sirius found this to be the perfect time to chance a peek and hope he didn’t just happen upon math formulas. He didn’t.

In fact, for a moment, it was hard to realize just /what/ he’d stumbled upon.

//Why is being in love so bloody difficult? I thought it was supposed to be the best feeling in the world?// read Remus’s delicate, fanciful writing that Sirius could only read because of the multitude of notes he passed to the younger boy. Sirius frowned. Love? Love was what had their friend so bloody well down? Sirius hadn’t even realized that Remus liked anybody.

Sirius couldn’t continue reading on, because James’s sharp elbow jammed its’ way into his ribs, and he closed the notebook as carefully as he’d opened it.

“Oi. Isn’t that a little over the line, even for you, Sirius?” James frowned sternly, in that way that only James could manage when he was looking out for their meekest friend.

Sirius felt properly ashamed.

Still, being caught and reprimanded once didn’t halt him from sneaking peeks whenever he could. Which, granted, wasn’t very often. Remus was almost obsessive about keeping it on him, or under lock and key. Which wasn’t often - he seemed loathe to leave it at home.

It wasn’t like Sirius wanted to read the entire thing - he just wanted to know which bird his friend was interested in, so he could drop in a good note on his behalf, and hopefully make the poor boy smile more often. Remus really did have a nice smile.

The second opportunity came when Remus was visiting his house and left the notebook there on accident. It was like a heavensent message, that he was /destined/ to read what the mysterious Remus Lupin thought about love and who entertained his thoughts at night (not that boys were supposed to think about what other boys entertained at night). That gave him a second pause.

//He doesn’t even notice that I’m in love with him. It’s just not ruddy fair.//

Him? In love with /him/. Okay, well, that was certainly a surprise punch in the gut, but Sirius steeled his mind against thinking any different about their friend. After all, just because Remus liked blokes didn’t make him different. It wasn’t like he liked one of /them/.

So Sirius started to flip through the pages in order to find any indication of who Remus liked - loved, no that was the key word, wasn’t it? But that was when his wretch of a mother called up that Remus was at the door and wanted to know if he had his notebook.

Sirius’s stomach dropped and his hands flew to close it.

“Hold on, and I’ll look!” He called back, and waited for a moment with closed eyes and bated breath. Then, “found it!” He called, picking it up and descending the stairs.

Remus looked relieved when he was handed the faded blue cover and lined paper, and hugged it to his person. Then wide honey-coloured eyes flew to Sirius’s face and Sirius couldn’t help the surge of protectiveness at how suddenly scared Remus looked - resembling a deer in headlights or something. “You didn’t read through it, did you?”

Sirius, to his credit (ever the actor, wasn’t he?), looked confused. “What’s it matter? Isn’t it a bunch of school notes?” He tilted his head slightly, before smiling teasingly. “Or is it ickle Remus’s diary~?” He smiled, before wincing when Remus’s face grew protective.

“N-no! I just doodle sometimes, and it’s private!” He huffed.

Sirius wanted to reach out and hug him and promise him that he’d keep his secret safe for as long as he wanted it to be a secret. He wouldn’t tell a soul (Promise, Remus. Promise promise promise).

That was in October and somewhere between then and February, Sirius acquired a girlfriend. Or three. Never at the same time, no, but he couldn’t really tell them apart, or remember just what made him say yes. He had no time to pay attention to them - Remus seemed to be getting quieter and more withdrawn, and dammit it was scaring him. Each girl broke up with him after a public yelling match which accused him of not paying any attention to her.

It was like each girl operated on a script.

But by the time the third girl had reached that point, Sirius couldn’t have cared less. His mind was on Remus constantly - he knew who Remus liked, because every time he sneaked a look at the notebook, he noticed ink drawings - wonderful, detailed ink drawings - of the same guy on each page. Each emotion different and human, each action lifelike, like it would start moving at any time. It gave the impression that Remus had spent a good portion of his life watching this man.

The same man that Sirius saw in the mirror every day.

Sirius didn’t let that make things weird between them. He let their hugs linger a little longer than normal, and he walked Remus home instead of walking with Remus to his own house. He let Remus know that he wasn’t invisible to him - even if Sirius would certainly not date him. He knew he didn’t like boy. Right? He didn’t. There was nothing attractive about boys’ arses, or the front parcel that he got an eyeful of in the locker room at gym (he certainly didn’t start looking in order to prove that he was no shirt-lifter. Certainly not! That was classless).

Sirius even let his thoughts wander to Remus sometimes, though, he supposed, it was a little suspect that his mind went to Remus and not the current girlfriend when he was yanking himself off.

It was more suspect when Sirius cheerfully reported to Remus that what’s-her-face broke up with him the week before Valentine’s day. And Remus truly seemed happy for a few days (for a while he seemed to be wilting, and Sirius was sure it was because he hadn’t paid a rightful amount of attention to him; shower your Remus with plenty of water and expose him to Sirius for the better part of the day for maximum glow, or some plant nonsense).

Until Sirius stepped into the restroom at school to smoke a fag or two, and heard crying. Crying that sounded specifically like his favourite tawny-brown-haired boy. “Remus?” He asked, approaching the stall on the end, pocketing the lighter and dropping the light cigarette into the ceramic sink, where it snuffed out in the residual water from the last guy to actually use the restroom for its intended purpose.

Which wasn’t crying.

“Leave me alone, Sirius.”

“When you’re crying like a-” Crying like a what, Sirius asked himself, before shaking his head. “When you’re crying like someone kicked Moony?” Moony was Remus’s dog and the two shared an immeasurable bond.

“Like you care anyway.” The words were pointed and directed at him, and he winced, before pushing the door open.

Remus was sitting on the toilet - typically, as was so classic Remus, the toilet was covered by plenty of sanitary things - with his legs drawn up to his body, and sleeves of the jacket he loved pushed up, revealing rows of barely-there scars that formed a pit in Sirius’s stomach and made him hate himself for never having noticed before.

“I care, Remus. Shh… it’s okay. Whatever’s wrong’ll get better.” He soothed, crouching in front of him and looking up at him.

“You don’t even know what I’m crying about!” Again came the lashing out, but Sirius laid his hands on the scarred up wrists - watching the initial flinch before Remus forced himself to watch Sirius.

“If it has you crying like this, I know it’s a big deal. I’m here, I’m listening.” He rubbed the scars, wincing at each and every rise on the pale skin, but true to his word, he swallowed up every last bit of the confession that came pouring out of Remus that started with ‘I’m in love with you’.

Sirius held him until he’d cried himself out, and told him that everything would be okay - but he didn’t give him any false hope.

Sirius couldn’t have lived with himself if he lied to Remus.

But the following few days tormented him. Remus was shyly returning to his normal self - hesitantly smiling, or hugging him, but he was getting better, Sirius could tell. Meanwhile he was haunted by all the things he had started to notice about Remus, before the confrontation in the bathroom. How kissable his lips looked or how perfect an ass he had. How beautiful his smile was and just what a lovely person Remus Lupin was.

The night before Valentine’s Day was a busy one, and he felt bad when, the next day, he watched Remus panick about misplacing his old, tired notebook.

He had told Sirius that he was going to retire it soon, and briefly, that tired, sad Remus had been back.

But Sirius, during lunch, pulled Remus aside, to a stairwell noone ate at, and pulled the tattered notebook out of his sidebag. “I guess you left it at my house. Might want to flip through and make sure all the pages are still attached. You might want to get a new notebook, soon.”

Remus blinked, puzzled, and the expression only grew as he flipped through the pages from back to front. And then he froze when he saw the inside cover, before he looked up at Sirius, a questioning look on his face.

Sirius, of course, knew what the boy was seeing. ‘I love you’ was written across the top of every page, front and back, without fail.

Where the front said ‘Property of Remus Lupin’, in the pretty, scrawling writing of the Honors student, below, in Sirius’s scratchy, darker writing, he had intoned ‘(who belongs to Sirius Black)’.

“Do you mean it?” The question was soft, quiet, and Sirius could tell with the minute way that the smaller boy trembled, that he really thought it was just an elaborate joke. Sirius /did/ have a habit of joking often.

“Every word of it. All 455 words I wrote in there last night.” He smiled hopefully in turn, hoping that it was enough. It wouldn’t erase the scars that he had neglected to notice on Remus’s arms, and it wouldn’t bring back all the wasted time, but it still wasn’t too late.

They ended up missing class after lunch, both of them far too busy caught in each others’ arms in the stairwell, making up lost time, to care.


End file.
